You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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