I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
