did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
