Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
