do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
