i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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