It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
