i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
