If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
