Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
