i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
