Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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