All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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