Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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