Got a toothbrush?
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I intend to get homeless drunk
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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