Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
