i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have already put on my inside pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
