If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize