whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
