I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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