did you get engaged???
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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