wanna go halves on a baby?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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