i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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