I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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