apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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