I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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