plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
