hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
