I think im going to throw up on grandma
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
