im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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