Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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