so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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