What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
