who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
