You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
