The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
