this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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