Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
