oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
