Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
