Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize