Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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