Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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