sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
farters have to be the big spoon...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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