i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
