Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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