3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize