How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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