I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The air was thick with penises
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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