can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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