Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were trust falling into bushes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
