I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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