My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
