Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
