Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
