Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
