In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
