the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
