Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
