My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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