i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
