dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
