My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
