My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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