If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize