now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My bed smells like the plague
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
